Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
My on again off again relationship with cigarettes.
We’ve been together for 27 years. You’ve been here for my happy moments and my darkest moments. We’ve been through deaths, starting a family, graduating college, divorce, moving, getting jobs, losing jobs…we’ve been through it all.
Most of my friends and family members refuse to understand our attachment to each other, and I’ve often believed you were the only one in the world who understood me.
After my mom’s funeral when I was 17, I remember we sat outside the church together. Grandma came outside and begged me to leave you and go back inside. I did go back inside, but I snuck out a few more times. In fact, sneaking out was the thing to do in all the years to come. Grandma wouldn’t let you in the house so I found myself sneaking out to be with you during family get-togethers and holidays.
When I went to inpatient addiction treatment I was told that it was probably best if I didn’t go back to you. I was told that holding on to you would just be a constant trigger. They were asking me to give up everything. I wasn’t going to give up you, too.
When my kids were born, I decided it was time to settle down and make something of myself. I knew you were holding me back. We separated for 2 years. It wasn’t easy. In the first weeks I cried for you every day. I couldn’t fall asleep. I took medication for a few months and it helped. Eventually I came to know I was better off without you. I would still think about you almost daily. I would consider finding you again and fantasize about how it would feel to be reunited.
During the divorce, I went straight back to you. It was like we had never been apart. We picked up right where we left off. When the stress of being a single mom, working 2 jobs and going to college became unbearable, we could just sit and be together. I always felt relaxed with you.
Eventually that changed. I was, once again, planning every part of my day around you. You were always there. You were suffocating me. I realized you are a big problem in my life. I have tried to stay away. I can go a few weeks, a month here and there…but I always end up answering your call again.
You don’t make anything better anymore. You make things worse.
When I get sick, you nag at me. I know I need to rest without you but there you are, making me feel worse. I can’t do things physically that I once could because of you. My body is breaking down because of you. I’m embarrassed to be around you. I can feel people looking down on me when I’m with you. My kids hate you. They beg me to stay away from you. We can’t do fun things because of you. I have financial problems because so much of my money goes to you. You are taking everything from me. No one believes me or cares anymore when I say you are out of the picture. They know I always take you back.
I can’t do this anymore. You are slowly killing me. You are poison.
I am not deprived because you are gone. I was deprived when you were around. I thought you made me more relaxed, but I realize I was brainwashed into believing that. You told me I would be anxious without you but you are the one who created that anxiety.
I’m breaking up with you, cigarettes. I am stronger without you. I will resist your attempts at reconciliation this time.
